recess as a kid is like a break from all of the stress and work and freedom to let our bodies play and relax
but recess as an adult is like the world is falling apart all around you
and when you let yourself have time to have a break from all of the stress and work and give your body freedom
your mind takes that freedom away from you.
how do i make recess and free time just mean everything and nothing to me again?
how do i turn my mind off and just relax instead of thinking about everything every millisecond, every blink my eyelashes flutter from my eyes, every time my heart thump thump thumps
remember that kid who always used to play on the jungle gym and fall through the top?
like that kid i feel like i’m trying to get to the top with every step i take, every ounce of pressure i beat through with my work and stress
and when i finally get to the finish line, in the dead of night, when the day has turned to a dusty darkness of dim fog and sunlight dispersing from the clouds
its 7 a.m. suddenly and yet i fall
crashing down like that kid from the jungle gym
because the top of the mountain, the top of the hill, the ending point of where the finish line just keeps restarting and restarting and everything i did to get to the top comes crashing back down on me
i fall and fall and fall and keep trying to get to the top over and over and over again
just for the waves of sadness to engulf me and emptiness to strangle me and tiredness to consume me
like that kid climbing to the top of the jungle gym and falling
i am so overwhelmed with both a joy of reaching to the top but a sadness from falling down.
you see, that kid probably ends up crying when he hits the ground, and yet, with a bit of motivation he gets back up.
i’m not crying, but with no motivation, and with every chance of “recess” i get, the recess where my mind roams and wanders into these kaleidoscopic realities of struggle and fear and inability to succeed, I’m not sure if in the end, i’ll ever be able to get back up.
and if i do, in the end, is it ever really worth it?