i need a band aid
maybe for my stretch marks that won’t seem to disappear
or maybe for my heart that seems to be collapsing
i wished upon a shooting star
for my body to bloom
to be as beautiful as the girl that you think of at night in your room
because sometimes i don’t think that girl is me
my mind is a psychopath
but i am not
i will forever be haunted by my own thoughts
the clock strikes 2
the moonlight romanticizes the angels
that shine like fireflies
but hides their destruction like volcanoes.
i can see my reflection in this lava of loneliness
a mysterious mirror dripping
i am unaware of your intentions
but i continue to love even when i’m scared
even when my soul bleeds and the remnants of my body evaporates into the clouds
should i mourn because i’m losing you
or should i mourn because i’m losing myself
i continue to choke on my words
because i don’t know how to make you understand
even when you say you’re the most understanding
how do i show you how i’m feeling
when everytime i speak to you
it feels like i’m talking to somebody who’s blindfolded
you are my desire
but you are also my enemy
speaking words that sound almost gibberish
maybe even a false prophecy
your words slowly spill out from your mouth
like they’re afraid to even escape through your lips
i imagine them being held captive in the prison of your mind
because you fear them crawling out in broad daylight
i yearn for your whispers
the ones that make me feel true love
where bliss appears and a long lost smile comes out from hiding
i wish your touch wasn’t just seductive
i wish your hands in mine would feel celestial
but most times it feels unholy
i tell myself i can be your unholy honey
the type that leaves a sweet but bitter taste
because i am an addict for your attention
but in a field of flowers i am a dandelion
i still hope you pick me
i am not a rose
because roses have thorns
and thorns mean apologies
and i don’t think i have any of those left
i’m reminded by my worst memories
and i’ve always apologized for things that weren’t my fault
like being yelled at by an ex
or for not being pretty enough
giving him a reason to cheat
i’d say the two words i’m sorry like it was a prayer in the bible
yet i don’t ever remember saying amen
maybe that’s why my apologies never meant a damn thing
there’s rain that pours every night from my eye-lids
some call them tears
but under my sheets they’re frozen
cold and secretive
some mornings the rain drizzles down my cheeks and that’s my breakfast
other mornings i don’t eat because i can’t seem to
i exhale and it’s like my body loses a few pounds
it’s a frequent thing
being called skinny
my porcelain body
never resembled to gold or beauty
i wear expensive clothes but that doesn’t make me of value
it doesn’t make me worthy
there’s a soundtrack that plays in my mind
it’s more like a broken record
possibly the broken voice in my head
i’m trying to be what they want me to be
a rose with pink petals
i want to be showered with beauty
and love and purpose
but i am merely a forgettable individual
and nobody truly ever
stays.
– j.ds
Simply A Girl With Words 