ballet dancers, boyfriends, and gunfire; my mind in a shooting range

my emotions masked like a 

faceless demon

it’s hard to hide these 

anxious feelings 

all i want is to unleash the tears

that are aching to crawl out 

my heart stops beating 

every second i see him 

and the words that tumble 

from his mouth. 

 

he asks me what my deal is 

if only i knew 

i wish to be happy 

and not this blue. 

 

i’m fearing this demon within me 

will rip through my soul 

spiritually i’m happy, 

emotionally, not whole. 

 

i wonder what life would be like 

without a gun

would people wander freely 

instead of fearing or having to run? 

 

i sit here watching as bullets

are being fired 

like ballet dancers swiftly dancing

so is the gun fire. 

 

i wish instead i could watch them twirl 

instead of hearing the empty sounds 

of a pistol hurl

hurling at a pretend target of a person’s skull

that my mind immediately replaces 

to being my body. 

 

am i dead or alive? 

 

i am left all alone every time 

even the one who i care for most 

leaves me behind. 

 

i gaze from a distance 

waiting to see if he can notice

something’s missing

my lack of appreciation 

is merely just my body shaking

from the sounds of pop pop pop 

my heart keeps stop stop stopping 

and it’s getting harder to breathe. 

 

i am adjacent to a red shed

a place i keep picturing that i will be 

stuffed into, found dead

hopefully, it doesn’t come to this. 

 

but my mind is a dark place 

a dance floor for negative thoughts 

to swirl and plié

i am slowly fading away 

maybe god will carry me 

into the cloudless sky 

and make me feel somewhat

okay.

– j.ds

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