my emotions masked like a
faceless demon
it’s hard to hide these
anxious feelings
all i want is to unleash the tears
that are aching to crawl out
my heart stops beating
every second i see him
and the words that tumble
from his mouth.
he asks me what my deal is
if only i knew
i wish to be happy
and not this blue.
i’m fearing this demon within me
will rip through my soul
spiritually i’m happy,
emotionally, not whole.
i wonder what life would be like
without a gun
would people wander freely
instead of fearing or having to run?
i sit here watching as bullets
are being fired
like ballet dancers swiftly dancing
so is the gun fire.
i wish instead i could watch them twirl
instead of hearing the empty sounds
of a pistol hurl
hurling at a pretend target of a person’s skull
that my mind immediately replaces
to being my body.
am i dead or alive?
i am left all alone every time
even the one who i care for most
leaves me behind.
i gaze from a distance
waiting to see if he can notice
something’s missing
my lack of appreciation
is merely just my body shaking
from the sounds of pop pop pop
my heart keeps stop stop stopping
and it’s getting harder to breathe.
i am adjacent to a red shed
a place i keep picturing that i will be
stuffed into, found dead
hopefully, it doesn’t come to this.
but my mind is a dark place
a dance floor for negative thoughts
to swirl and plié
i am slowly fading away
maybe god will carry me
into the cloudless sky
and make me feel somewhat
okay.
– j.ds