uncertainty

There’s an uncertain feeling rising in my lungs 

filling with beats and the sounds of a drum 

it crashes down onto me like these monstrous waves 

these feelings of fear and horror 

creeps towards me 

trying to put me away in a grave. 

 

There’s uncertainty all around us 

when we cross the street or hit a curb 

we are riding in the darkness of the night 

in our motorcycles or in our hurt 

 

People tell me that this feeling will eventually fade

that when they stare it’s only because my eyes glimmer 

even when i’m in the shade 

 

There’s a darkness fondling my body 

even when I wish it away

there’s a power slithering 

like a snake hissing at my pain 

 

Maybe i’m fickle 

or maybe it’s the thought of being misplaced

like a book on a shelf in a library 

I’m always filled with words 

but somehow they become erased 

 

I am filled with 365 chapters 

of sentences and thoughts

my mind is a story 

my soul is distraught. 

 

I am shattered in places 

I did not know could be broken 

my eyes glimmer like glass

my skeleton like structure 

tries to swim in this agonizing ocean. 

 

There’s an uncertain feeling rising in my lungs 

filling with beats and the sounds of a drum 

it crashes down onto me like these monstrous waves 

these feelings of fear and horror 

creeping towards me 

trying to put me away in a grave.

 

– j.ds

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a cherry tootsie pop

pink fingertips and thoughts of your blushing cotton candy heart. My life – a cherry tootsie pop. everyone tries to get to the center where my thoughts, goals, and feelings hide. blonde to pink to: grey cloudy skies forming above my head. {they} call me fickle because i want to live vibrantly instead of vicariously. the thunder roars behind me – it’s so cliche – but what if thunder is god screaming at me? he’s mad and I can tell when he’s mad. his jaw clenches and his cell-phone becomes his new best friend. he says he needs a break when he doesn’t want to talk and he makes jokes when he feels insecure. his face turns red when he says he loves me but instantly turns an ashy grey when he’s upset. 

 

when it rains, i think of his cotton candy heart bursting into flames and the rain is his tears falling from his face. when it rains, i think of my life – a cherry tootsie pop. i think of it being licked by other people, being bitten into by other people and the rain, the rain is each person’s saliva dripping from my body. 

 

i am never alone there are always people trying to get inside of me

 

there’s lightning racing through the melancholy skies and the carnival begins to slowly stop. but the merry-go-round continues to twirl, it keeps going round and round. as i stare at this old ride, an old memory begins to churn in my mind. at this moment, i can see myself on this exact merry go round; smiling and having fun. i am young and childish, but no one is trying to get inside. no one is trying to get to the center where my thoughts, goals, and feelings hide. pink fingertips and thoughts of your blushing cotton candy heart. my life – a cherry tootsie pop. 

– j.ds

the problem with love

i need a band aid 

maybe for my stretch marks that won’t seem to disappear

or maybe for my heart that seems to be collapsing

 

i wished upon a shooting star

for my body to bloom 

to be as beautiful as the girl that you think of at night in your room 

because sometimes i don’t think that girl is me

 

my mind is a psychopath 

but i am not 

i will forever be haunted by my own thoughts 

 

the clock strikes 2 

the moonlight romanticizes the angels 

that shine like fireflies 

but hides their destruction like volcanoes. 

 

i can see my reflection in this lava of loneliness

a mysterious mirror dripping 

 

i am unaware of your intentions 

but i continue to love even when i’m scared

even when my soul bleeds and the remnants of my body evaporates into the clouds 

 

should i mourn because i’m losing you 

or should i mourn because i’m losing myself

 

i continue to choke on my words 

because i don’t know how to make you understand

even when you say you’re the most understanding

 

how do i show you how i’m feeling 

when everytime i speak to you 

it feels like i’m talking to somebody who’s blindfolded

 

you are my desire

but you are also my enemy

speaking words that sound almost gibberish

maybe even a false prophecy 

 

your words slowly spill out from your mouth 

like they’re afraid to even escape through your lips

i imagine them being held captive in the prison of your mind

because you fear them crawling out in broad daylight

 

i yearn for your whispers 

the ones that make me feel true love

where bliss appears and a long lost smile comes out from hiding

 

i wish your touch wasn’t just seductive

i wish your hands in mine would feel celestial 

but most times it feels unholy

 

i tell myself i can be your unholy honey 

the type that leaves a sweet but bitter taste 

 

because i am an addict for your attention

but in a field of flowers i am a dandelion

i still hope you pick me 

 

i am not a rose 

because roses have thorns 

and thorns mean apologies

and i don’t think i have any of those left 

 

i’m reminded by my worst memories

and i’ve always apologized for things that weren’t my fault

like being yelled at by an ex 

or for not being pretty enough 

giving him a reason to cheat 

 

i’d say the two words i’m sorry like it was a prayer in the bible 

yet i don’t ever remember saying amen 

maybe that’s why my apologies never meant a damn thing

 

there’s rain that pours every night from my eye-lids

some call them tears

but under my sheets they’re frozen 

cold and secretive

some mornings the rain drizzles down my cheeks and that’s my breakfast

other mornings i don’t eat because i can’t seem to 

 

i exhale and it’s like my body loses a few pounds

it’s a frequent thing 

being called skinny

 

my porcelain body 

never resembled to gold or beauty 

 

i wear expensive clothes but that doesn’t make me of value

it doesn’t make me worthy 

 

there’s a soundtrack that plays in my mind 

it’s more like a broken record

possibly the broken voice in my head 

 

i’m trying to be what they want me to be 

 a rose with pink petals 

 

i want to be showered with beauty 

and love and purpose

but i am merely a forgettable individual 

and nobody truly ever 

 

stays.
– j.ds

this new version of love

I’m neither the keyboard colored in black and white like a ying and yang symbol, or the violin that screams in soprano and begs in alto for a little thing I can’t seem to hold onto – love.

 

I am the drums that are sometimes a little bit too loud, beating within hearts of bodies who carry too much hurt I awaken their souls I move their skeletal bodies to the melody of my unbroken song.

 

You were the mime who walked around the world in complete silence with closed ears squinting eyes and a mind that thought too much about hate and death a mind that wondered what dying would be like, what it would feel like to just be – gone.

 

I was your magic pill. A package of four pills, and you popped the last one I had to give. With it, you swallowed a piece of my mind, tried to learn to love yourself, but couldn’t. So you took a placebo from another girl and injected her “magic”.

 

We were infinitely in love, your eyes caused blue butterflies to flutter within my heart, your lips made me see stars during daylight and purple sunset skies at night, and your soul made me want to fix you, unbreak you, love you.

 

Until our infinite love did not stay infinite and your eyes caused tears of turquoise to fall from mine.  The only thing I could think of when I saw your sinister face afterwards was that sinister girl who stole you from me.

 

She was neither the keyboard colored in black and white like a ying and yang symbol, or the violin that screams in soprano and begs in alto for a little thing she can’t seem to hold onto – love.

 

No, she was the diamorphine, the 4 to 5 hour high, she was the counterfeit version of romance, the euphoria that caused addicts to scream in soprano and beg in alto, the substance that caused people to become skeletons every day of the year instead of just halloween. She created an orchestra of human violins and skeletons who moved to the melody of her broken song.

– j.ds

wishes

I wished upon a star you would be thinking the same thing as me. You’d turn your head from a distance to sneak a glance. Hoping that I too, thought about you. There is a society of people within these white walls, a turquoise green slithers across the floor. Those who do not step on it delicately mistake love as something you can take for granted. Those who are aggressive do not worry about who they may be killing underneath their soles. They have no soul. Not an ounce of curiosity about the love they have lost. Living vicariously may seem like freedom but freedom is when you have love. Freedom weeps on the pot of gold, hoping that people would try to find it rather than beg for it. It is my fault for wishing on a broken star. A star that does not shine in the night. The hidden star at the edge of the sky. I am attracted to emptiness. Like the dark canvass bob ross paints up above. Dark – like the eyes of those who have seen gloom. I face my demons every morning and fall asleep with them every night. Sometimes it’s nice to have another voice. Even if they whisper negative thoughts in my ear. 
– j.ds

I don’t know who I am

I don’t know who I am

All I know is my own name

J U L I A N A
But what does that mean?

i. J for JUSTICE

because I’m always searching for justice from the people who mistreat me.

 

ii. U for UGLINESS

because deep down inside I am ugly.

I don’t know how to talk to people and express my emotions.

even if I have a pretty face I know that the way I act is so ugly it pushes people away.

 

iii. L for LONELINESS

because even if I have someone I care about I’m still lonely.

I feel so alone that sometimes I feel like I’m a ghost.

 

iiii. I for INSECURE

because even though I’m “model perfect” I still hate my body.

I hate that I’m so skinny people compare me to sticks and skeletons.

I hate that I will never look good in a bikini and that nobody looks at me and thinks, “hey,

she’s beautiful.”

 

v. A for ATTENTION SEEKER

because I’m always looking for people’s approval.

I hope that people come up to talk to me even though I’m shy

I try to get people to notice me because I feel like nobody ever does.

 

vi. N for NOTHING

because some days I feel like I’m nothing.

that I’m worthy of nothing and nobody.

that maybe I don’t deserve anyone because some days I’m empty as a blank piece of paper.

some days it’s hard to put the words down some days I just wish I was never a writer

I wish I was nothing.

 

vii. A for ADRIFT

because I’m always drifting trying to find who I am.

I’m on a boat called life trying to find my lost soul and piece together the

parts of myself that i’ve lost.

 

I don’t know who I am

All i know is my own name

J U L I A N A
But what does that mean?

 

  • j.ds

 

Fireflies in my eyes

They’re fireflies in my eyes and it’s hard to see  

Some days it’s hard to get out of bed, and I can’t breathe

Some days I think I’m better off in my sheets – underneath  

They’re ghosts roaming my mind, sometimes it feels like my thoughts are my defeat.  

They’re goosebumps on my skin

From the memories of the past, I hide within  

Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing left, maybe I’m just supposed to whirl through my deadly sins  

They’re sounds in my ears, whispering – saying, “you’re not good enough” or  “you’ll never win”, Some days they’re so hard to comprehend.

I don’t want to fight anymore  

I don’t even know what I’m living for  

Maybe I should be searching for my answers in a drugstore  

But I knew that’s not the kind of thing I wanted to explore.  

 

I said that months before

But I investigate the windows and think what galore  

The medicine that’s supposed to make me feel better to my core  

But I chose to soar  

I chose to fly and try  

I tried to stop looking at the people who hurt me, in the eye

I tried to put on a disguise so that maybe I wouldn’t feel like I wanted to die  

I chose to try and fly  

But still  

There’s a part of me that wants a thrill

A part of me that wants to take the screwdriver and drill

To take the past, the thoughts, the hurt, the pain, and just spill.  

They’re fireflies in my eyes and it’s hard to see  

Some days it’s hard to get out of bed, and I can’t breathe

Some days I think I’m better off in my sheets – underneath  

They’re ghosts roaming my mind, sometimes it feels like my thoughts are my defeat.  

-j.ds

 

I directed you

I directed you

Like a GPS

I drove the bus in our relationship

Tried to show you that there’s more to life than a videogame and a playset

Tried to find the time to help you find your life

When instead i could’ve been writing lines

 

But you didn’t care about what i had to say

Outloud or even on paper

My life was twisted enough you’d rather me not say shit

Put a smile on my face and tell others hey we made it

Made me think we were perfectly fine

Hiding behind lies

Putting on a perfect disguise like we’re trying.  

 

Every time I asked you to put down the game you’d play games

Games with my heart

Then you’d apologize

But your actions never matched up with your words

some days i wouldn’t even be surprised

 

I told you the truth

And then you mixed it

Putting it together with your thoughts and you flipped it

My dad says it isn’t your fault

To me

but i still feel like i just fell in a pit and

 

You must be so glad we’re over

Shutting your door and

Never letting me come back

 

I know your wishing I never broke your heart

Wishing I never made it fall flat

Some say the world is flat

But i guess the flatness of their brains helped me realize that we weren’t connected enough to form a straight line

We were ups and downs

Roller Coasters

Spinning

Upside Down

We were a W

An equation

Something almost impossible to solve because it would always be debated

 

My hearts deflated

This is the end

Now we never have to say i love you and wonder if we meant it, again.

 

– j.ds

The reason I sit in the back

The reason I sit in the back is to watch

I see everyone in front

My head to the wall

In case someone comes in and another gets shot

I can protect myself, maybe jump out of the window and run

 

But that’s not the reason why I sit in the back

It’s because I can see everything from a different perspective

I can see what others are doing instead of listening

Their phone screens glistening or their heads being put down

 

What if the world just put down people who didn’t care

Like dogs who wouldn’t listen or would just stare

Look at you with evil eyes and drool dripping from its mouth

Students are like dogs trying to pick a piece of meat and rip it apart

 

We dig and dig

Maybe not in the grass

But we dig for the things that make us feel glad

That we chose a major we loved to study

But sometimes others wish they just were handed the grades than working for the money

 

Like a dog, it is handed a bone

A treat for it to be respectful

But for us, students aren’t given anything

And we have to learn how to be polite by ourselves

 

Living alone in a dorm with people we just met

Like a dog meeting different dogs at the park

We are searching for the people we get along

with

The people who make us want to get out and play

 

See, dogs play with dog toys

And teenagers play with drugs

Even though they’re not the same, they’re similar in a way.

Our dogs play with their toys over and over

Almost like an addiction

Chewing on something that makes them happy

Even if it’s only for a second

 

That’s like us teenagers

Who pick up things like weed or LSD

We use things to make us feel something

Even if it’s just for a little bit

 

And some of us get bored of it

We tend to take a break

A nap or something because we think we deserve it

Even though it’s not the end of the day

 

But others continue to use it

Because it’s there favorite

Like a dog’s favorite toy,

They keep picking it up,

And putting it in its mouth,

That sometimes you have to pull it out if the dog won’t stop using it

 

I guess what I’m saying is that us students are a lot like dogs

But I wouldn’t necessarily call people bitches

Only those who treat me wrong

But still, you shouldn’t fight wrongness with wrongness.

 

Some dogs are shy and some dogs are energetic

Like us students,

The shy people aren’t sure which pack to hang out with

and the energetic people don’t have a problem with looking

The quiet students sit in their dorms

Like dogs who stay in their own corners

And the loud students won’t stop talking

Like dogs who won’t stop barking.

 

The reason why I sit in the back is to watch

I see everyone in the front

But I don’t just look –

 

I watch.

– j.ds

 

“Write me a poem”

You asked me to write a poem about you

Then you asked my best friend if I’d hurt you

 

Almost as if my words wouldn’t already strangle you and make you lose all sense of reality.

Suffocation will be the death of you once you read what roams my mind.

 

Will I hurt you?

What about will you hurt me?

Will you break my heart?

 

Don’t think that just because I’ve been the heart-breaker means I haven’t been hurt before.

 

Hurt.

Being hurt doesn’t matter if you’re the one holding the heart or being the heartbreaker.

 

Anyone can be hurt.

You hurt me without even trying.

And you didn’t even break my heart.

You broke my head.

My brain split into pieces

Like a puzzle

And not even the nerves in my mind can put them back together.

 

You left me unconscious.

Unable to think.

 

Maybe that’s a good thing.

 

Maybe it’s better to not think about all of the girls you’ve been with

 

This way,

 

you wouldn’t be known as a heart-breaker.

 

Almost as if your words hadn’t already strangled me and made me lose all sense of reality.

Suffocation will be the death of me once you read what roams my mind.

– j.ds