a sea of an open world

we’re in a sea of an open world. and yet he desires everything and every little skinny legged brunette or blonde but me. it’s as if my voice is not loud enough like the tidal waves crashing on the shore instead he must think my words are sweet and silky like the flutter of a butterfly wing meeting its other half silently. we’re in a sea of an open world but not an open relationship. and yet sometimes it seems as though he wouldn’t mind anyone else even though he knows no one else could love him the way i do. because with what meets the eye there isn’t much to see but a man who has a little too much dandruff on his beard and flakes of unmoisturized skin resting on the roof of his nose and top of his lip. why would anyone dare to kiss him with the thought of being infested with snowflakes of dried skin from the lack of tenderness from his face does he take care of his body? no. so how could he take care of anybody if he cannot take care of the one thing people rest their eyes on first. unless you’re a woman, forget it, the first thing people’s eyes darts to is your body. a man will never look into your eyes first, your eyes will be the last thing to be looked at.

the world may be a sea of openness but i did not consent to him being so open about his lack of honesty. his words being mistaken as truthful, knowing that they are not: but i move on because i love him because i know he doesn’t mean to hurt me even though he continues to over and over again because he does not understand the importance of being truthful or understand the understanding that loving someone means loving someone with all of your heart not just 50%. i am not worthy of just a half love but the world is a sea of openness and when he said that i mistook it for him believing that perhaps the world is open like an unending road, a street without traffic, endless possibilities, and with each one of those possibilities i am not a part of it. i am no longer his partner. i am just a piece of a part of his life that he uses while he sits in the restaurant in front of me and watches other girls. sits in bed with me while i’m asleep holding his hand thinking about how much i love this man in my dreams while he watches someone else undress and speaks to them online with words that makes me think i barely know him.

but he wants a world with a sea of openness a world with no rules or respect for your partner and yet he forgets, that i am there with him every time. not those skinny legged brunettes or blondes that make me feel that i am not skinny enough which is absurd because i know that i am more than enough bones than actual flesh and yet he still looks at the other girls. or perhaps its because of their bodies. to him everyone is just a body.

the truth hurts and he knows it. and yet i’ll never be like those girls he watched when i was asleep into the darkness of the room. he laid there and i laid next to the devil. touching himself to the sight of someone else and paid money and i just want to scream because my world is not a sea of openness my world is closed off my world is opened by a passcode of trust of love and if i let you in it it means that i believe you to be honest and worthy and yet he was the opposite. and when i bring up my anger or ask questions to try and understand he gets defensive and i sit in the corner of my world and wonder what was i thinking or perhaps what was he thinking and in my head there is this back and forth tennis match of who is right and who is wrong and this sheer thought that maybe i will never be good enough that maybe it is my fault that i wasn’t trying hard enough where we were intimate maybe it was me that caused him to search for affection elsewhere.

i start to blame myself and every piece of me hates myself for inviting him into my world and yet even though i stay, even though he continues to stay with me after all of his secrets are out, he continues to want a sea of an open world. because deep down in the depths of my despair in the depths of my brokenness and hopes of understanding his actions, he continues to lie to me while he loves me, while he is intimate with me, while he sleeps besides me, he is secretive more than ever and distant and it is my fault. for if i had kept my mouth shut and just accepted the fact that i will never be his only one, only desire, perhaps he would be more honest with me or perhaps he would love me the way i would hoped when we had first met in 2018.

– j.ds


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