The one thing I keep circling back to is the question why. why would he do this and what was i doing that made him feel that what he did was the right road to take. i don’t want to think about this anymore but most days when i start to feel happy again and refreshed by the sunlight in the sky my brain rewinds back to that night and my smiles turn to blank stares of emptiness and no one even notices.
my thoughts rumble and turn and twist and it’s not like i can’t focus on things that have to be done because i can and i normally do and it takes my mind off of it but on the moments where i am making a moment in my life it suddenly all crawls back.
or when the night is too quiet and nobody is speaking to me i think about the warmth of my tears that day how they felt like hells burning flames of fire on my soft sensitive skin and i think about all of the rage and all of the pain and i wonder why.
i want to know why i don’t want to hear the i’m sorry’s that don’t even sound like apologies anymore because each time they’re said a sigh comes afterwards like you’re tired of apologizing.
i’m tired of feeling like i cannot be loved because every person who ever comes into my life leaves me unloved.
i want to feel the way we felt when we first met in that parking lot. you know, when you laughed at every stupid little joke i made and when i thought you were genuine and sincere and honest.
i want to feel the way we felt when we had our first kiss. passion and compassion roaming around both of our bodies like two angels were helping us intertwine our love together to form one powerful eternal love.
i want to go back to that but i can’t. because i keep asking myself why and thinking too much and its almost been two years and i don’t know how to continue. i don’t know how to talk to you without you making me feel like i’m crazy for being upset or dumb for not being able to move on.
there’s only so many lies and fake apologies i can take and i’m not sure if i can accept this one. i’m not sure if i can forget. i’m not sure if there’s any chance of me going back to the way i used to love you and i don’t know if me forgiving too soon is why i’m still unhealed from your poisonous words so
i hope you can forgive me just like the way you forgot me.